The Baby Incident
by H. F. Blue
Summary: After an unusual... Incident, several mutants are turned into babies. Now the teens have to deal with them, and general goofiness abounds.
1. How It All Began

Author's Note:  The following story is a goofy attempt at writing a humorous fiction, and is not to be taken seriously in any way at all.  Any continuity errors on my part shall be promptly ignored by the reader, in order to fully enjoy the tale presented, and not in any way over-think it.  Any comments about said continuity errors shall be promptly ignored by the writer.  Thank you for clicking on the link to this story.  Please enjoy, and leave a review.

Disclaimer:  Story mine, everything else, not now, never will be.

The Baby Incident

By H. F. Blue

This was it.  The final showdown.  The last stand.  No more darting around in shadows, no more chasing after half-truths, and no more wondering when it was all going to end.  It was going to end _now_.  Magneto had chosen the time and place.  The X-Men had chosen their warriors.  And the Brotherhood…  The Brotherhood had chosen the X-Men, at last setting aside their differences, for the sake of bringing down a fanatic.

                Reaching out, Xavier felt the minds of his students all around him.  Everyone had come.  They had all been given the opportunity to back out, but in the end, they were all true heroes.  Most were scared, all were nervous, but none showed it.  And across the playing field, Magneto and his followers were gathering.

                Not far behind the professor, Wanda tensed, her eyes narrowing as her father came into view.  Pietro was not far behind him.  The little weasel had betrayed the Brotherhood for the final time.  All her surviving family was on the other side.  But that was okay, Wanda was used to having the world against her.

                The two groups squared off.  Fingers twitched, weapons glowed, physical forms changed, and in the ground between the mutants, the dust settled.  A fat, lazy summer cloud drifted past the bright sun, casting a shadow over all who were present.  After a mere moment, the shadow past, streaming sunlight downwards once again.

                It was like a shot had gone off.  The two groups rushed each other.

~

                In another dimension, It was having a very bad day.  None of its brilliant plans were coming together.  It liked to alter the real world, you see.  Change things in little ways that it found absolutely hilarious.  Most of the others called It a trouble-maker.  They were right, of course, It was.  But It failed to see anything wrong with that.  Still, most of the time, It was forced to be careful.  Making a person go bald, or hiding half their socks while they were in the laundry machine, or re-arranging file-boxes, were the sort of little things it was allowed to do.  The others got angry if It did anything bigger.

                But today, none of It's plans had come together.  Every time It tried to get away, to cause mischief, one of the others stopped It.  Now, It was in a very bad mood.  It was a rare thing for It to be in a bad mood.  Last time that had happened, It had sunk an entire city in a fit of unpleasantness.  So, bad mood in tow, it went looking for some **real** mischief to make.

                It passed up several promising opportunities, feeling them to be not grand-scale enough.  Blowing up a department store, or turning some poor man's wife into an iguana, it was all bigger than he was allowed, but not big enough.  It sifted through the planes of reality.  And then, at last, It saw them.  Mutants.  Mutants in a pair of large, angry-looking groups, all fighting one another.  It smiled, the targets of It's mischief found.  But now, what to do to them?  Make the members of one side vanish, perhaps?

                No, no, that seemed biased.  It didn't even know what the fight was about.  And, as most of the others would say, fighting in general was bad.  Perhaps It could find an interesting way of getting them to stop their fighting?  It looked around, picking out some of the key warriors in the group.  It knew what to do.  Oh, and what mischief it would be, too!  After all, It knew some of the most interesting ways of incapacitating people…

~

                Scott rolled to the side, barely avoiding the barrage of cards Gambit had sent flying into the air.  The Cajun was acting like a charged-up shot-gun, smirking merrily as he kept everyone from getting within a mile of him by flinging the deadly weapons.  Kitty was busy trying to get anywhere near Pyro, and having a hell of a time phasing through all his fiery creations, and Kurt lay passed out behind the group, pulled from the battle by Amara after Colossus sank an unexpected blow on the teleporter.  The burly Russian, however, had not killed Kurt, and for that Scott was thankful.

                Still, it didn't help in the fight against Gambit.  "Ah really, really hate this guy."  Rogue said, as she crashed into the ground next to Scott.  He and Jean had been trying to get her to Magneto for the past ten minutes.  So far, Gambit had done a good job of thwarting them.  On the other side of the battle field, Wolverine was taking on Sabretooth, stubbornly refusing any help as the two exchanged blows.  Everyone else was either unconscious, dealing with some lesser-known lackies of Magneto's, or trying to get past Gambit or Pyro.  Bobby and Lance had managed to take care of Colossus a short time ago, so that now, Piotr was currently trying to climb out of a sizeable crevice in the earth.  A difficult task to perform with frozen feet.

                Wanda was still dealing with Pietro, and aiming shots at her father in the meantime.  Magneto made his presence known by occasionally whacking the X-Men with painful twists of metal, or hurling projectiles at them.  Only Professor X's interference with that was keeping the X-Men in the game.

                And then, it happened.  For an instant, everything seemed to slow, growing strangely lethargic.  Then a flash of light blinded every mutant present.  Most threw their hands up over their faces.  Quite a few cried out in shock and surprise, each side wondering if this was some trick up the other's sleeve.  Then, the light faded, and the world's sluggish feeling disappeared, to leave everyone standing bewildered and on guard.

                Mind you, I said everyone _standing._

                "Oh… my…  god…"  Kitty Pryde's voice broke the stunned silence, as the eyes of all around took in the scene before them.  It was absolutely shocking.  Scott blinked, gaping open-mouthed at the scene before them.  Lance swore quite loudly.

                Magneto, Gambit, Professor Xavier, Wanda, Pyro, Storm, Wolverine, and Sabretooth were all gone.  In their places, were eight crying babies.

                Carefully, Jean Grey walked over to where the Professor had been, her footsteps resounding off the dry ground.  No one said a world.  On the seat of Xavier's wheelchair, a small, bald little infant was wailing quite loudly.  Reaching down, Jean lifted the baby up, bundling him in Xavier's shirt as she did so.  "Professor?"  She asked cautiously, reaching out to touch the baby's mind.  There was a pause as everyone held their breath.

                "…Well?  Is it him, Jean?"  Scott asked after a moment.  Jean looked at him with wide eyes.  She simply nodded.

                Lance swore again, louder this time.

                "Oh mah god, what are we gonna do?  What the hell happened?"  Rogue asked, looking around at the seven other babies.

                Suddenly another cry started, this one echoing up from the depths of a deep crevice in the earth.  There was another long pause.  Then, as if on some invisible cue, the remained of Magneto's lackies took off like a shot.  All except Pietro, who walked over to where Magneto was.  Quicksilver leaned down, looking at the screaming infant with raised eyebrows.

                "F-Father?"  He asked tentatively.  Then he began shaking his head, looking around wide-eyed to realise that most of his comrades had fled, and he was left in the midst of the X-Men.  With one last look at the baby Magneto, Pietro turned, and followed the others in retreat.

                Leaving the X-Men to deal with the mysterious new infants.  Scott finally broke the aura of silence, mingled with the sound of babies crying in the background.  He cleared his throat.  "Well, we can't just leave them here.  Todd, you and the junior students load the wounded up onto the Blackbird, alright?  Everyone else…  Let's, uh, go and get these babies off the ground."  Scott offered, his voice wavering with surprise and uncertainty even as he took charge.  No one argued, simply nodded and did as asked.

                They all began the rather disconcerting task of gathering up their friends and enemies, in infant form as well.  Rogue bent down to look at the little brown-haired infant that had, only minutes ago, been trying to blow her to smithereens.  His eyes were the same uncanny red-on-black.  Leaning down, she picked him up, wrapping him in his own coat.  "This is just plain weird."  She noted.

                On the other side of the battlefield, Evan was saying the same thing, as he picked his own aunt up.  Walking over, Scott lifted a shrieking Wanda Maximoff up, absolutely not surprised that she was the loudest one.  The scowling, black-haired baby girl whacked a tiny fist against his face.  Not far away Lance Alvers was awkwardly picking up a baby Pyro, who did not seem to appreciate the gesture at all.  Judging by the expression on Lance's face, he wasn't enjoying it too much either.  Beast and Fred managed to collect Logan and Sabretooth, with only a modest amount of trouble.

                Looking down at the hole in the earth, Kitty shook her head, before phasing through the solid ground beside it and coming out next to a softly crying baby boy, lying in a heap of strange red clothing, next to two blocks of ice.  She carefully gathered him up and phased back up to the surface.

                Helpless infants in tow, the group headed for the second plane.  Jean took Wolverine from Beast, who was needed to fly the Blackbird, and waited for the last remaining adult to send some of the junior students over to the other plane.  They couldn't ALL fit on the Blackbird, after all.  Scott handed Wanda over to a very disconcerted Bobby as he boarded the plane, and then took his seat in the pilot's chair.

                The flight back to the mansion was eerily quiet, as most of the infants eventually calmed down a bit.  Scott said nothing.  He was trying not to think, but simply do what the Professor, were he not a baby, would do.  It wasn't an easy thing, really, since this was not a possibility they'd planned for in the Danger Room.  He didn't even want to try and figure out what had caused this.  Why would Magneto want to turn himself into a baby?  Had it been some plan gone awry?

                They arrived at the mansion, and those who held infants went off to find someplace comfortable to put them.  Scott took Pyro off of Lance, who looked at him gratefully.  Then the X-Men's field-leader fished around in one pocket, pulling out the emergency credit-card the Professor trusted him with, just in case anything happened to him.  Though Scott doubted he'd had this in mind.  "Alvers, why don't you take the jeep and go and get some…  Uh, baby stuff.  You know, diapers and things."  Scott said, looking dubiously at the red-haired child in his arms.  Pyro was giving him the evil-eye, he just knew it.

                "Sure…  What should I get?"  He asked.  Scott racked his brains, trying to remember the days when his younger brother was a baby. 

                "Ah'll go with ya."  A voice cut in.  The two men turned to see Sam coming over from the second plane.  "Several siblings, and about three summers spent babysitting, ah know what ta get."  He offered.  Scott nodded, and with that, the two young men took off.  Nearby, Beast was co-ordinating the movements of the injured.

                "How bad off are we?"  Scott asked soberly.  McCoy shook his head.

                "Not bad.  A few possible mild concussions here and there, at least two broken limbs, but all in all we could be worse off.  After I take care of the injured, I'll look into…"  Beast trailed off, his glance moving meaningfully over to Pyro.  Scott simply nodded, satisfied, and left to go see if the other senior students had found a good place for putting the babies.

                In the living room, Kitty had dragged out the winter quilts from storage, and had two spread out on the floor.  The infants were laid gentle on the spread, as the teenagers looked at them with apprehension.  "Do ya think they'll turn back?"  Rogue asked, to no one in particular.

                "I hope so."  Scott said darkly, laying Pyro down.  Jean bit her lower lip.

                "Should we…  Should we call someone?  Like, social services, or something?"  She asked, concern apparent in her eyes.  Scott shook his head.

                "No way, they'll just take them away.  And they won't believe our story, either.  Hopefully Mr. McCoy will be able to get them back to normal.  If he doesn't…"  The others turned to look at him, obviously disturbed by the possibility of the Professor, Storm, and Logan remaining as infants until they actually grew up again.  Scott took a deep breath.  "If he doesn't, then we'll just have to deal with it.  There are a lot of us here, and we're all smart people, we can handle…  Nine?!?"  Scott took a deep breath, calming down after counting the infants.  "I mean, we can handle nine babies."

                And that was how it began.

Two Weeks Later… 

They were so lucky it was summer vacation.  If they'd had to try and deal with school _as well_ as the babies, it would have been impossible.  As it was, it was simply very trying.  They were also lucky that the vast majority of students had stayed at the Institute for the fight against Magneto.  Really, they needed all hands on deck for this one.

                Hank hadn't been able to find any way of reversing the effects of…  Whatever had turned some of the world's more prominent mutants into babies yet.  He hadn't given up, it was simply that most of his attempts had proven truly unsuccessful.  No one voiced the underlying fear that ran through the Institute, that there would be no way to turn them back, and when school started again they would have to find a more permanent way of dealing with the infants.  It was also agreed that, while more than half of the babies counted as 'enemies', they were still just babies, and not to be 'accidentally' dropped on their heads.

                The living room had been converted into what the junior students jokingly referred to as 'Baby Central'.  A giant white board in front of the fireplace listed a chart, that said who was taking care of which baby, and for what hours in the day.  Almost everyone got a turn.

                Rogue groaned as she heard the little, broken cry come over the baby monitor.  It was her and Kitty's night to take care of the late-night wake up calls.  Well, her, Kitty, Evan, and Kurt, really, there were two baby monitors in the living room, and two that shifted between bedrooms every day of the week.  She knew that little half-cry.  It was the sound that Gambit made just before breaking out into full-blown protests, protests which woke up every other baby when they escalated.  Sighing, Rogue threw her covers aside, and pulled on her full-length 'baby-handling' gloves.  With infants around she'd gotten paranoid about her skin to the point that she covered every inch of it now.

                To no one's surprise, most of the babies seemed to retain some semblance of their adult personalities.  Jean swore to high heaven that they weren't developed enough to remember who they were, but all evidence seemed to indicate that the infants knew quite a bit more than the average one-year-old.  On the third day Kurt, Sam, and Bobby, in a 'we-man-we-build' attempt at proving that they could, in fact, do things on their own, decided to construct a small playpen for the infants.  Nine hours later they finally finished something with rounded corners that looked as though it could safely contain the babies, and dubbed it 'complete'.  The next day, while in the 'playpen' with Magneto, Wanda soundly and repeatedly assaulted him until she was removed.  Rogue figured that was fairly substantial proof.

                She made her way over to Baby Central, hoping to get there before Gambit decided to go all-out and create a hazard.  The Cajun baby was a major handful himself.  Whenever anyone who wasn't female tried to lift him up, he responded by screaming at the top of his lungs, and reaching round little arms out towards the nearest young woman.

                Rogue reached Baby Central, where the cribs, which had been built by Hank, Jean, Rahne, and Scott, who saw no problem with reading directions, were lined up.  Everyone had been quite thankful for the Professor's foresight in giving Scott a credit card.  At the end of each crib was a piece of paper with the baby's name written on it in thick black pen.  Rogue sighed and wandered down to the end of the line, where a very awake, very distressed looking baby Gambit was making little whiny sounds.  In the crib next to his Pyro was asleep with his finger shoved up his nose.

                "Hey, Cajun, wassamatter?"  Rogue asked sleepily.  Gambit, catching sight of her, immediately switched modes.  His face lit up and he reached plump little hands out towards her.  Rogue sighed and, leaning down, picked him up.  "Now, why don't ya sleep through the night like a good baby?"  She asked.  Usually the night-calls weren't all that bad.  Hank had figured their infant ages to be around one, so they weren't all that erratic.  Gambit beamed, reaching for her face, and Rogue expertly captured his hands and ducked out of the way.  "None of that now, sugah."  She told him.

                "Chere!"  Gambit gurgled happily.  Rogue rolled her eyes.

                "Ah don't know why ya keep callin' me that."  She muttered, and checked to see if he'd filled his diaper.  Ugh.  Never fun.  Nope, he hadn't.  "Well, Gambit, why'd you wake me up, hmm?"  She asked.  Gambit answered by gurgling some nonsense, and clasping her fingers tightly.  Rogue sighed.  "Ah get it, ya like me.  Well, ya won't when ya get back to normal, so you'd better get over it."  She instructed him firmly.  Then, leaning down, she placed him back in the crib.  Instantly his nose crinkled, and he looked at her quite forlornly, opening his mouth to whine a little.

                Rogue shook her head.  With a sigh, she reached back in and pulled him out again.  "Alright, alright, fine.  Have it your way."  She mumbled.  Going over to one of the living room chairs, she sat down, carefully holding the baby's hands so he wouldn't reach for her face again.  "Happy now?"  She asked.

                "Chere!"  Gambit gurgled again.  Rogue felt her eyelids begin to droop.  It was late, and she was tired.

                "Yes, ah know.  Chere.  Funny stripy-haired woman who comes in when ya make a noise."  She muttered.  Gambit beamed at her and gurgled out another sound, one that wasn't as identifiable.  Rogue really wished he'd go to sleep.  If he went to sleep, then so could she.  She sighed, and began rocking him gently, trying to think.  Maybe a song?  But, she wasn't much of a singer.  Oh well.  Not like he'd remember anything, right?  "Twinkle, twinkle, little star…"  So, it wasn't a lullaby, but she'd be damned if she was going to sing 'rock-a bye baby' to him.  That was just plain morbid.  Gambit smiled lazily at her, stuffing a fist in his mouth, and listening to her sing as she rocked him.  Actually, it was more of a quiet talking, but he seemed to get the idea.  'Fer a short, chubby version of an evil-doer, he's kinda sweet-lookin'.'  Rogue thought distantly.

                After a few minutes, Gambit settled down.

                "Zhat vas beautiful!"  A soft voice declared.  Rogue's eyes widened in surprise, and she looked up to see Kurt standing there, looking all misty-eyed.

                "Kurt!"  She hissed.  "What are you doin' here?!?"  Kurt shrugged.

                "I heard you singing over ze baby monitor, und I came to vhat you vere doing.  Who knew you vere such a softy?"  He asked.  Rogue scowled, standing up carefully to put the sleeping Gambit back in his crib.

                "No one.  An' if ya don't keep this to yerself, ah'll make ya regret it."  She warned.  Kurt shook his head, raising his hands up in front of him.

                "Hey, no vorries here sis, I vould never betray you."  He assured.  Then, with a small smile on his face, he teleported out of the room.  Rogue sighed, and with one last look at Gambit, stalked back to her room.

                ~

                "Kitty, I understand your desire to take pictures of everything, believe me, I do, but do you really think the Professor's gonna want to see this?"  Lance asked, as he alternated his attention between awkwardly trying to feed a very fussy Professor X, and his girlfriend.  Kitty shrugged.

                "Oh, c'mon Lance, it's like, **so** cute!"  She told him happily.

                "Yeah, sure, if you like being covered in slime.  And I thought Toad was disgusting."  Lance muttered, trying, and failing, to get the Professor to eat some mashed up peaches.  They joined the other food attempts as decoration for Lance's shirt.

                Nearby, Jean was having even less success with Magneto, who had been unofficially dubbed 'Maggy' by Evan a few days ago, after the young skate-boarder insisted that it was just 'too freaky to call a baby Magneto'.  "Oh, come on, really, you _know_ you have to eat this."  Jean reasoned.  Magneto's lips pursed, and he glared at her, steadfastly refusing to consume anything she offered him.  Both Lance and Jean had spent the better part of an hour and a half trying to get their stubborn charges to eat something.  Everyone else had finished their breakfast baby-feeding duty.

                "Kitty, why don't you film some of Maggy, huh?  I can't think with that camera."  Lance said.  Kitty shrugged.

                "Like, what's to think?  But okay."  She said, moving over to snap a few shots of Jean and Magneto.  Magneto's glare intensified, and suddenly, Kitty was really glad that none of the babies had retained their mutant powers.  She turned, then, as she heard the soft sound of Kurt teleporting into the room.  "Hey Kurt, what's up?"  She asked, noticing that he looked a little distressed.

                "Have you seen Piotr?!"  He asked.  Kitty blinked.

                "Colossus?  Aren't you supposed to be watching him?"  She said.  Kurt nodded, looking around a bit desperately.

                "Yes, yes, but I just turned around for one minute…"  He said.

                "Oh no, Kurt, you didn't loose him!?!"  Jean asked.  As if he knew what was going on, Magneto promptly burst out into a fit of giggles.  There was a pause as everyone simply looked at him in surprise.  Then Jean shook her head.  "Um, hang on a sec Kurt, I'll find him."  She said, and closed her eyes.  There was a pause as everyone waited for her to search the house.

                Jean opened her eyes and shook her head.  "He's in your bedroom somewhere."  She said.  Kurt blinked.

                "But…  But, I looked everyvhere in zere!"  He insisted.  Jean shrugged.

                "You must have missed him.  Maybe he was hiding under the bed."  She offered.  Then, without any further prompting, Kurt disappeared in a puff of spoke.  Kitty shook her head.

                "That's the fourth time!"  She declared.  "Colossus, like, **totally** ditched Scott yesterday."  Kitty explained.  Lance shrugged.

                "Maybe he remembers who is and wants to get back to Magneto's secret base."  He offered.  Magneto scowled and, reaching over, promptly flung his little plastic spoon at Lance.  The teen raised an eyebrow as it rebounded off his shoulder.

                "…Wow, maybe you're right."  Kitty said.  Just then Kurt re-appeared, this time holding a giggling Piotr.  The blue elf grinned brightly at them.

                "Just to let you know, I found him in ze closet, playing peek-a-boo vith ze little mirror."  He said.  Then, with a thumbs up, he teleported again.  Jean rolled her eyes.

                "Yes, sounds like a brilliantly evil plan to me.  I don't know why you didn't think of that one before, Magneto.  The ole' peek-a-boo in the closet trick."  She said sarcastically.  Magneto scowled and mashed a little fist into his tray, making a slightly indignant noise.  Jean blinked in surprise.  After a minute of silence, she and Lance went back to trying to get their charges to eat, and with a shrug, Kitty started snapping pictures again.  After a while, though, she got tired of the messy ritual.

                "I'm gonna go find Jubilee and Logan."  She said.  Lance grunted, slightly distracted, as he tried to get the Professor to eat some processed peas.

                Kitty found them in the front garden.  Jubilee was sitting cross-legged with Logan in her lap, reading to him from a fashion magazine.  "…And that's Brittany Spears, and if you weren't a baby right now, you'd be saying something like 'don't let me catch you dressed like that, Darlin'', but that's okay, 'cause she's a slut…  Oh, hey Kitty!"  Jubilee said, waving a little as she and the infantile Wolverine looked up from the magazine.  Wolverine smiled, clapping his hands together and blowing a little spit-bubble.

                "Aw, that is like, too cute!"  Kitty cooed, raising the camera to snap a picture.  Jubilee smiled.

                "I know, he's been totally behaving himself.  I don't know why Rogue thinks they can remember stuff.  If Logan knew what we were doing he'd be flipping out!"  She reasoned.  Kitty shrugged, taking a seat next to her.

                "What's for him to stress about?  He gets to have everyone take care of him for, like, ever, until Beast turns him back."  She said.  Jubilee nodded.

                "Yup."  She agreed.  Just then a small, white-winged butterfly floated down lazily from the surrounding plant life, flapping glossy wings as it landed on the tip of Jubilee's magazine.  With a slightly mischievous look on his face, Logan reached a plump hand out to grasp it, giggling merrily as it took off into the air, panicked.  "Buh-fly!"  He declared solemnly.  Kitty snapped a few pictures.

                "Awwww!"  She and Jubilee declared at the same time.  The next half-hour was spent playing with Logan and snapping photos, before Kitty finally ran out of film.  "I'm gonna go re-load the camera."  She said.  Jubilee nodded.

                "Just as well, it looks like it might start to rain."  She said, casting a dubious eye upwards.  The two girls sauntered inside the mansion.  Kitty made a bee-line for her room, while Jubilee headed for Baby Central.  Inside it seemed that Jean and Lance had finally fed their charges, and taken them off to other parts of the mansion.  Bobby and Fred were currently occupying the space around the play pen, with Pyro and Sabretooth.  Everyone in the mansion, and that meant _everyone_, even the youngest students, had taken a crash-course on baby-care, courtesy of the Internet, as soon as they were able.  Still, there were stacks of information sheets littering the floor around the white board.

                Jubilee sat down, lowering Logan onto the floor outside the playpen, and handing him a few rounded-off, brightly coloured plastic blocks.  Like Wanda and Magneto, if put in a contained area together, Wolverine and Sabretooth screamed and fought like they were still on the battlefield.

                Bobby and Pyro were having something of a stare-off.  Both were sitting on the floor across from each other.  Both were staring at one another like they expected their counterpart to suddenly sprout wings, or turn purple, or something.  John had one plump finger rammed up his nose.  Reaching over, Bobby tugged it away.  "Come on, man, that's gross."  He said.

                There was a pause.  Pyro looked at Ice-man.  Ice-man looked at Pyro.  Pyro shoved his finger up his nose.  Brows knit in frustration, Bobby carefully removed it.  "Cut it out, ya little freak."  He ordered.  Pyro looked at Ice-man.  Ice-man looked at Pyro.  Pyro shoved his finger back up his nose.  "Ugh!  That's it!  He's been doing that all freakin' day!"  Bobby declared in annoyance.  He lifted Pyro up, who promptly glared at him like he was evil-incarnate, and then carefully deposited the baby in the playpen with Sabretooth.

                Pyro rammed the other finger up his nose.

                Sabretooth ignored him, and continued trying to remove the head of a stuffed bunny.  Fred and Jubilee watched the scene with amusement.  "Think it's a nervous habit?"  Fred asked.  Bobby blinked, looking at him in confusion.

                "Huh?"  He asked.  Fred shrugged.

                "A nervous habit.  He seems to do it when he's around people who wig him out.  At least, he didn't do it when I had him yesterday."  The large mutant reasoned.  "Not until Jean put Wanda in the playpen with him.  Then he was practically shoving his whole fist up his nose."

                Jubilee blinked.  "Let's test it.  Keep an eye on Logan, would ya, Bobby?"  She said, and when Ice-man nodded, she went over to the play pen and lifted Pyro out.  "Hey there Johnny, how's it going?  Did Bobby and Sabey freak you out?"  She asked, smiling sweetly.  Slowly, carefully, Pyro removed his fingers from his nose, and looked at Jubilee with a calculating expression.  "Aw, he's kinda cute, isn't he?"  She crowed.  Bobby rolled his eyes.

                "Sure, if ya like 'em short, fat, dumb, and ugly, I guess."  He muttered.  Jubilee stuck her tongue out at him.  Then she beamed at Pyro, and shifting him in her arms, began tickling his tummy.  Against all his better judgement, it seemed, Pyro broke out into giggles.

                "Aww!  Where's Kitty?  We **so** need a picture of this!"   She declared.  Bobby pulled a face.

                "Come on, Jubes, that's _Pyro_!  You know, evil, scheming Pyro?"  He told her.  Jubilee shrugged.

                "Funny, he looked like a baby to me."  She argued.  Suddenly Pyro got a look of extreme concentration on his face, and after a few moments, a slightly lumpier backside.  Jubilee grinned evilly.  "And if you think me tickling him is inappropriate, you're gonna have a problem."  She said.  Bobby looked at her in confusion.

                "Why?"  He asked as she handed Pyro back to him.

                "Because you're gonna have to change him, Bob-o."  Bobby looked at the now smiling baby in his arms.

                "…You did that on purpose, you little rat."  He muttered.

To Be Continued… 


	2. Abandonment Issues

A/N:  Hello everyone.  First off, I would like to thank everyone who reviewed.  Your comments are greatly appreciated!  Second off, I'd like to apologise for the length of this chapter.  The next one should be long enough to make up for it.  Also, I'd like to mention that, although this story is not a romantic one and shouldn't be considered that way, I, by the very nature of default, do lean towards certain pairings.  Scott and Jean, Rogue and Gambit, that sort of thing.  I'm sorry if this bothers anyone, I probably should have mentioned it before, but there isn't really that much of it.  Thanks for your time, and please enjoy the second chapter!

            "C'mon, babycakes, I'm doin' the best I can!"  Todd said, looking down at a very distressed Wanda Maximoff, who was currently screaming at a volume that would make glass break, and beating little fist against him.  "Aw, please stop crying!  I fed ya, I changed ya, I musta sang like nine-million stupid kiddy songs, what more do ya want?"  He asked.  The 'stupid kiddy songs' had primarily been crap he'd seen on the television in passing, occasionally interspersed with old Christmas songs, and even 'Happy Birthday'.  None of that had worked.  In fact, nothing seemed to be having any effect.  She was just intent on ruining Toad's hearing.  That had to be it.  "Oh man…"  He moaned, turning away from her for a second to mash a fist into his forehead.

            There was a break in the crying.  Wanda was suddenly looking at him intently.  Todd blinked.  "Hey, ya stopped!"  He said, relieved.  Despite his more-than-slightly-large crush on Wanda, even Todd knew she could be handful, and pretty dangerous as well.  He beamed at her.  Suddenly, her lip trembled, and she burst out into wails of despair again.  Todd moaned.  "Oh no, please, don't start again.  What made you stop?  Think, Toad, think!"  He said, and once again, smacked his forehead.

            Wanda stopped crying.

            Todd looked at her in amazement, as she watched him with a calculating stare once more.  After a few seconds she started tearing up again.  "Oh, no, no, look!  Look, see?"  He said, and quite suddenly, punched himself in the arm.  Wanda stopped her newly begun attempt at crying, watching him again.  "Ya like that, huh?"  He asked.  Then, reaching up, he whacked himself in the face.  Wanda giggled as he reeled a bit, clapping her hands.  "Guess since you're not big enough to rag on me, I have to do it myself, right?"  He asked, a bit bitterly.

            "Want help?"  A voice asked from the doorway.  Todd cast a glance over in that direction.

            "Hey, screw off Daniels, just 'cause Zippy aint here to help you with 'anger management' it don't mean you can take it out on me."  He huffed.  Wanda was starting look distressed again.  With a drawn out sigh, Todd stood up, giving her one last look as she stared at him expectantly from the playpen.  Then he extended his thick tongue, and wrapping it around his throat, began choking himself.  He'd had it done to him enough times by other people, that he was sort of used to it by now.  Wanda showed her appreciation by giggling insanely.  "Da dings I oo for a petty fathe."  Toad gurgled out around his tongue.

            Evan rolled his eyes, and with a shrug, left the living-room.  He'd put his aunt in his room a couple of minutes ago, and left her playing with his skateboard while he went to get her a stuffed bunny, or something less valuable to drool on.  Reaching down he snatched a semi-beheaded pink giraffe up.  Sabretooth liked removing the heads from his toys, for some unknown reason.  Evan chalked it up to him being Sabretooth, basically, and thus prone to acts of violence even as an infant.

            Evan made his way back to his room.  Really, they weren't supposed to leave the tykes unsupervised, but he'd made sure there wasn't anything small or pointy in the room, and had close the door firmly behind him.  What could happen?  Carefully he opened the door, checking to make sure she wasn't hiding behind it.  It was beyond eerie to change your own aunt's diapers, but for some reason, most of the other students thought it was perfectly logical to stick her with Evan.  'You're family!'  Jean had declared in huff the other day, when he'd made it a point to complain.  "Auntie O?"  He called in.  There she was, in the middle of the room, looking intently at his skateboard.  Quietly Evan crept in, and pulled the door shut behind him.  "Hey, look, I brought you a…  Wow, really messed up giraffe.  Whew.  Man, Creed has **issues**."  He said, noticing the slightly mauled state of the soft plushie.  Storm giggled quietly, completely ignoring Evan's presence.  He blinked.  That was weird.  "Auntie O?"  He asked, moving over closer to her.  That was when he noticed she had something in her hand.  Something small and colourful.  Something small and colourful, which was currently being zig-zagged across the surface of his skateboard.  A feeling of dread crept down Evan's spine.  Slowly, very slowly, he turned to look at where he left his school bag.  It was open.  It shouldn't have been open.  After school let out, he'd brought it in, put it down, and forgotten about it.

            A pack of felt-pens lay torn open on the floor.  His eyes moved back over to Storm.  Carefully, moving very slowly, he picked her up and removed the pen from her tiny hands.  She scowled, until she finally realised it was him, at which point she beamed and began gurgling at him in baby-speak.  Evan checked her hands to make sure she wasn't holding any little caps, which she could choke on.  She wasn't.  Quietly he opened his door, and made his way rather numbly down stairs.  Rahne was talking companionably with Kitty, as the older girl snapped pictures of Gambit, who was currently in her care.  They both stopped as they saw a rather shell-shocked Evan come down the steps.  Without a word, Spyke handed Storm over to Rahne.

            "What…?"  She asked.  Evan didn't answer.  He turned, without a word, went back upstairs, shut the door to his room, and proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs.  The two girls blinked, and Storm, upon hearing the scream, began to cry.

            "What's going on?  What's happened?"  A frantic Scott asked as he ran in, holding a scowling baby Sabretooth, and a partially decapitated teddy-bear, which the one-year-old kept reaching for.  Kitty shook her head, adjusting Gambit in her arms.

            "No clue.  Evan just came downstairs, handed off Storm, went back to his room, and like, totally started flipping out."  She explained.  The screaming stopped.  The door to Evan's room opened, and the scowling youth stalked out, wearing an expression that could've stopped a train in its tracks.

            "Evan, what's going on here?"  Scott asked, putting on his 'I'm-the-leader-and-you-screwed-up' tone of voice.  Evan scowled at him.

            "I've had enough, that's what!  Changing diapers, baby-proofing crap, playing stupid games, waking up early in the morning!  It's summer break, what did I do to deserve this?!?  No, no, that's it, I've had it!  I'm outta here, and I aint coming back until I've had some fun!  F-U-N!  Fun!!"  He declared, somewhat hysterically.  Everyone watched him with wide-eyes as he left the mansion.

            Silence reigned as the door slammed shut behind him.  Scott blinked.  "Well, that was uncalled for…"  He began.  Kitty scowled at him.

            "You think so?  He's right you know, it's like, totally **not** been fun.  I'm with him."  She declared angrily, and to Scott's horror, placed Gambit in the playpen in Baby Central, ignoring Toad as he rammed a fist in his gut, and began stalking over to the exit.

            "Wait, Shadowcat…"  He began, but received only a death-glare in return, and then the sight of Kitty's back as she phased out of the room.  He looked at Rahne, who gave him a rather displeased look, put Storm in with Gambit and Wanda, and left.

            "Hey, wait up!  I'm sick a punchin' my own lights out!"  Toad called, and with one last glance at Wanda, followed Rahne out.

            "Scott?  What's happening?  Where are they going?"  Jean asked, coming in from the other room, holding a very contended-looking Logan.

            "They're ditching!  Can you believe that?  They think it's too hard!"  He declared.  Jean raised her eyebrows at him.

Ten Minutes Later… 

"No, please Bobby, please, we're the last ones!  The LAST ONES!!"  Scott begged, grabbing on to the younger boy's ankle.  Bobby was looking more than a little wigged out.

            "Hey, n-no problem Scott, you can handle them!  Look, they've already had lunch, right?  I won't be gone long."  Ice-man reasoned, trying to shake the team leader's grasp off his shoe.  He blinked, listening as the older boy let out a strangled sob.  Oh god, was he…  crying?!?  Bobby felt a strange mixture of sympathy and revulsion.  Then again, he wouldn't want to be in Scott's shoes.  Everyone had skipped out except Bobby, who was currently trying to do just that, leaving Scott alone with nine one-year-olds.  Scott, who had troubles taking care of one baby, was now being forced to spend a few hours with all nine.

            Bobby sighed.  "Alright, alright, I'll stay."  He offered.  Scott looked up at him.

            "Really?"  He asked.  With a look of utter dejection, Bobby nodded.  Scott made a grateful sound, as he straightened up, letting go of the other boy's ankle.  "Oh, thank y-"

            "Ha!"  Bobby declared, and before Scott could react, bolted for the front door.  It slammed shut in Scott's face, just as he reached it.

            "Nooooooo!"  He cried out, as he was promptly plastered against it.  "Don't do this to me!  I'll get you for this, Drake!  I'll get you!!!"  He screamed, and noticed with satisfaction that Bobby winced a little, even as he made a mad-dash across the driveway.  Still, it was a hollow victory.  Scott was still left here, alone, with nine babies, and no one else to ask for help.

            Nine babies, who had all recently had lunch.  Lunch as in food.  Food as in eaten, consumed, begun the digestive process.  A process which was doomed to reach its climactic end…  Scott racked his brain.  He needed help, and he needed it soon.  But, how would he get it?  His only family was miles away in Hawaii.  Some of the other students had relatives closer by, but what would he say?  'Yes, hello, I'm Jubilee's friend from the institute.  Yes.  Would you mind coming over and helping me change nine dirty diapers?  You see, some of our instructors have, unfortunately, turned into helpless babies.  Yes, that's right.  Babies.'  …Yeah, no, that wasn't going to fly well. 

            He needed someone who was used to having weird stuff happen.  Someone nice, significantly naïve to be lured to the mansion, but soft-hearted enough that they wouldn't leave right away either.  And definitely someone who knew how to keep their mouth shut.

            Suddenly, the sound of Magneto crying floated up from the other room.  Scott winced.  Wanda was in there with him, he'd forgotten that.  Then another cry floated up, this one probably Logan's.  Ugh.  Great.  He was left alone with all the babies, four of which were having their own private, miniature little wars.  And he needed help!

            A number popped into Scott's head.  He gulped, straightened up, and looked over to where Baby Central was.  Another cry drifted up along the air.  Then his eyes moved over to the phone.  It was a long shot.  He knew that.  But…  He drew a deep breath.  It was his only hope.  Walking over, he reached down, picked up the phone, and began dialling.

Meanwhile, Just Down the Road… 

            He should have joined the Brotherhood.  A member of the Brotherhood could successfully, and happily, abandon their leader to the clutches of evil baby fingers.  It was all part of being in the Brotherhood, that you weren't very scrupulous.  Not so with the X-Men.  Noooooo.  The X-Men had consciences.  Morals.  When you were the second to last man out, you got the last man out with you, or you didn't get out at all.  Sure, sometimes X-Men loosened up and pulled a few practical jokes, but they didn't abandon their own.

            He should have joined the Brotherhood.  Of course, even if he had, he'd still be an X-Man right now.  But maybe he wouldn't be an X-Man who was turning back to go and help Scott.  Bobby groaned.  Stupid Scott, looking all forlorn and vengeful and crap.  How was he supposed to have fun when he was riding a major guilt-trip?  "I am **so** freezing his underwear drawer for this."  Bobby muttered, as he made his way back to the mansion.  He'd _almost_ made it.  He'd been _this_ close to forgetting about it.  But, then again, he hadn't ever since Scott on the verge of tears.

            Stupid Scott.  Stupid morals.  Stupid Jean.  Why couldn't _she_ have felt all guilty and stayed?  Oh, that's right, because stupid Scott had to go and be stupid and mouth-off.  Stupid Scott.  Bobby was barely aware of the fact that he was mumbling angrily as he stormed up to the front of the mansion.  Stupid Jubilee, why couldn't she have told him they were ditching?  They were supposed to be partners in crime!  How dare she leave in a huff without dragging him with her!  Stupid Jubilee.  Stupid Scott, makin' everybody mad.  Stupid babies.

            "Bobby?"  A rather pitiful voice asked from the general direction of Baby Central.  Bobby looked up, realising he'd wandered inside, still muttering angrily to himself.  Scott was standing in the doorway, holding a screaming Magneto in one hand, and a wailing Wolverine in the other, and wearing an expression of horror mixed with relief.  Bobby blinked.

            "Yeah, you owe me.  What's wrong with them?  Filled their diapers?"  He asked, choosing to ignore Scott as he thanked the ceiling for sending Bobby back, in a manner oddly reminiscent of Kurt on his off-days.

            "No, Wanda and Sabretooth attacked them."  He said, handing Magneto off to Bobby with a look of utmost relief.  Bobby sighed.

            "Great.  Looks like it's you and me versus them."  He reasoned, looking at Magneto's scrunched up face.  "My money's on them."  Scott shook his head.

            "I called back-up."  He announced, somewhat ominously.  Bobby raised an eyebrow.

            "Back-up?  Who?  The army?"

            "No."

            "The school?"

            "…No."

            "One of your yuppie cheerleader ex-girlfriends who loooooooves babies?"

            "…No."

            "…It wasn't Mystique, was it?  'Cause, ya know, not the _best_ reputation with child-care there.  The woman did drop Kurt into a river after all."  Bobby asked worriedly.  Scott gave him a look.

            "Of _course_ not!"  He declared, somewhat indignantly.

            "Okay, okay, I'm just checking!"  Bobby said, raising one hand defensively.  "So, who was it?"  He asked, patting Magneto on the back, and trying to forget this was the man who had wanted him and his friends dead for a very long time.  Scott cast his sunglass-covered eyes towards the ground a bit sheepishly.

            "…I should have called an ex-girlfriend…"  Was all he said.

Another Meanwhile, Even Further Down the Road… 

            "I don't know, I mean, sure Scott was being a bit of a jerk about it, but aren't you guys worried about the babies?"  Jean asked.  Rogue rolled her eyes.  Ever since they left it had been 'turn back' this, and 'right thing' that.

            "Look, stop worryin', alright?  The babies are fine.  They're probably spittin' on Scott and dirtyin' their diapers as we speak."  She reasoned.

            "Oh, I hope so."  Jean said, rather forlornly.

            "Hey, c'mon, lets go see a movie.  We can stuff our faces with popcorn and forget all about Scott changing dirty diapers!"  Amara offered.  Everyone, save Jean, made their rather enthusiastic approval of that plan known.  Jean sighed.

            "Alright, but I have a bad feeling about this."  She said.  Kurt shrugged.

            "Vell, zhen, it's a good thing you're telepathic, und not prophetic!"  He reasoned, drawing a few laughs from the surrounding occupants of the vehicle.  Jean rolled her eyes, but couldn't help the tiny smile that tugged her lips.

            No one noticed the pair of steely eyes, watching as they drove by, staring balefully out of the surrounding foliage.  The eyes had watched as the others went down the road as well, and their owner knew.  Now was the time to make his move.  Tonight, while the X-Men slept a deep, tired sleep.  A smile curled up the corners of his mouth.  They would have no idea what hit them.


End file.
